It never occurred to me how much energy humans spend on trying to connect. We are wired to believe success is defined as health, wealth and happiness. Unfortunately, technology has all but destroyed what it truly means to be connected.  Filtered versions of our lives are selectively shared, with various controls of how far in a person will allow another to peer into their world.

Why must we hide the flawed parts of ourselves?  I believe our flaws facilitate the growth and creation of better versions of ourselves.

I had my first boyfriend since Scott passed away in early 2017, which I refrained from sharing publicly.  It only lasted about 5 months so I didn’t want to share because it would expose a failure.  It would expose an attempt at something some may think was too soon for me to experience.  Someone somewhere would shame my attempt.  Question it. Judge it.

Wait! I thought I had decided not to care what people thought.

The problem with my shame around this type of thinking was that it was an incredible learning experience for me.  I went into it ready for anything and hoping for something amazing and fairy tale-ish.  Yes; my hope that I will again get to share my love with someone still exists.

It took me almost six months to get over that this relationship didn’t work out.   Actually, it took me those six months to realize I had created an alternate version of this man in my head.  That is the guy I wanted.  That is the guy with whom I was disappointed.

The real man was beautiful and kind.  He was successful and seemed to have his shit together.  He enjoyed hockey, was passionate about the outdoors and in general, was not a douche.  These are all great things…  but we weren’t meant to be.  For many, many reasons but I was so blinded by the failure of the relationship I couldn’t see that.  Good on paper does not mean good for the heart.

I recently came across something I wrote about two months after meeting him and in my reflections of the heart, I am okay that I was a dreamer and fell hard, for my… fantasy.

Here is the excerpt;

My heart is doing jumping jacks and the “butterflies” are more like a murmuration confined to the deepest parts of my gut.  These feelings are nearly foreign to me.  I feel alive and I feel worthy.  Hello, 2017!

I will be honest.  The idea of dating made me physically ill.  I tried a dating app about six months after my late husband died.  I was craving an attention and a touch my tribe of friends were unable to provide.

The date hadn’t even ended before I found myself sick in the bathroom.  Literally rejecting the idea of ever giving someone the love and attention I once reserved only for my late husband. I felt disgusting.  I felt ashamed.  Unfaithful. Unworthy. Unhappy.

This wasn’t about the dude.  I’m sure he was nice.  I don’t remember his name and I can barely remember what he looks like because it didn’t matter.  I didn’t want to be there even though I thought I was supposed to want to be.  But when you throw up after a nice man kisses you – you’re not ready.  So I took a time out.  I wasn’t my best self yet.  And I turned inward to find my love.

I beam with pride as I read those words.  Specifically the “Hello, 2017!” What a year.  What a difficult, heartbreaking and challenging yet beautiful year.  I am so proud of myself.

The most important human connection I made in 2017 was with myself.  I fell down more times than I care to admit but each time I fell I stood up, brushed the dirt off my skinned knees and reflected on the lesson learned.  So, yes, I am dating.  Myself.  And I learn and grow every day being present in my self-love.

I am human and I am kind.  I am a light.  I am a force.  And I will use that bright force within me to continue to shine a light on this world.

Human connection is essential for your soul.  Do not be afraid to be who you are.  Own it.  And not only own it but love it.  Love the connection.  Love yourself.  Love your soul.

“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance” – Oscar Wilde